Archive for the Humour Category

24 s08e01

18:09:15 UTC - Sunday, January 24, 2010 in Humour, Misc

Jesus christ, 24′s writing is so bad. They’ve no concept of subtlety, all the characters are completely one dimensional, they force subplots rather than letting them develop. It’s like a Dan Brown novel – so bad, yet I have to keep going with it.
Here’s what happened verbatim in the season eight pilot.

NEW YORK
———–

Some DIRTY TERRORISTS are trying to kill GUY WHO PROBABLY HAS INFORMATION ON TERRORIST PLOT. He ESCAPES in a CAR INTERIOR IN A STUDIO.

NICE APARTMENT
———–

JACK is SLEEPING, his GRANDDAUGHTER is WATCHING TV. She LIKES BEARS. This will PROBABLY BECOME IMPORTANT LATER, as will the GRANDDAUGHTER. CUTE GRANDDAUGHTER WAKES JACK.

JACK
WTF?!?! ARE YOU A TERRORIST?!?! WHERE’S THE BOMB?!?!!?

GRANDDAUGHTER
*giggles* You’re so silly!

JACK
Hmm, I’d better torture you anyway, just in case. Dirty terrorist.

KIM’s on the PHONE from a CAR INTERIOR IN A STUDIO.

KIM
PLOT EXPOSITION ON WHY JACK’S NOT DEAD DESPITE BEING TOLD THERE WAS NO HOPE AT THE END OF LAST SEASON.

THE UN BUILDING
———–

The PRESIDENT is NEGOTIATING IN PERSON with the head of DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B, who’s played by THE HOST FROM SLUMDOG.

PRESIDENT
Isn’t this a bit weird? Surely all diplomatic negotiations are actually conducted through aides and stuff? I mean like I’ve got my secretary of state here, and you’ve got your brother. Wtf like.

SLUMDOG HOST
Odd the way my bro and your sec’ state are essentially the same character.

NICE APARTMENT
———–

KIM picks up GRANDDAUGHTER and talks some PLOT EXPOSITION about MOVING TO LA. GUY WHO PROBABLY HAS INFORMATION ON TERRORIST PLOT is waiting outside.

UN BUILDING
———–

A SEEMINGLY COMPETENT OFFICIAL gives a quick headsup to the press about the forthcoming PRESS CONFERENCE with the PRESIDENT and HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B. He’ll probably turn out to be THE ENEMY MOLE.

Some BLONDE GIRL has her press pass REVOKED.

BRO OF HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B COMPLAINS about PEACE. BLONDE GIRL RINGS HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B from outside a CG UN BUILDING. HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B wants to SLIP HER WAN.

NICE APARTMENT
———–

There’s a KNOCK at the DOOR.

JACK
A knock at the door in the middle of the day?! TERRORIST!!!

Turns out GUY WHO PROBABLY HAS INFORMATION ON TERRORIST PLOT (let’s call him “GUY A”) has INFORMATION ON TERRORIST PLOT.

GUY A
Someone’s going to try to kill HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B. But the only reason I’m telling you is because they tried to kill me too. If they hadn’t tried to kill me, or had just waited until after the assassination, I would’ve gone along with it. Also, I’ll only give you information about the assassination attempt after I get all these conditions.

JACK
Hmmm. Instead of ringing the UN Building to get it locked down, or even something like calling in a bomb scare to get it evacuated, I’ll go along with your crazy scheme. But I don’t trust everything you say, so I’ll have to torture you first. Dirty terrorist.

NEW CTU
———–

The NEW CTU is totally different. They’ve obviously been LEVELLING UP their MAGIC in the past year or so, as now they have MAGIC UAVS ALL OVER NEW YORK and MAGIC FACIAL RECOGNITION SOFTWARE RUNNING IN REALTIME.

ANOTHER BLONDE GIRL and GUY WHO REMINDS ME OF JOE FIENNES are ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED. This is shown with NO FUCKING SUBTLETY.

THE WORST AND MOST ANNOYING ACTRESS EVER, sorry, I mean CHLOE, is now THE NEW GIRL, despite being considered the absolute best in the world at what she did in previous seasons. JACK RINGS HER.

JACK
I know I’m just a civilian now, so I should really have absolutely no pull at all, but I got some information from a dirty terrorist, put me on with the head of CTU!

The HEAD OF CTU is FEARLESS from BOOMTOWN. It ran on NBC and is far better than 24, you should look it up.

JACK
PLOT EXPOSITION. Pull his file.

14.07 seconds later.

JACK
Do you gots the file?

CHLOE
Gah, the wireless signal on the laptop interferes with my magic casting!

FEARLESS
Despite your claim of an assassination attempt being more credible than most, I’m going to completely ignore it. Cos y’know, that’s how people get to the top of federal agencies.
[Jack threatens to blackmail him]
Oh, ok.

UN BUILDING
———–

The PRESIDENT GIVES UP GROUND to get a PEACE DEAL. She gets respect for this.

PRESIDENT
PLOT EXPOSITION ABOUT WHY THE ACTOR PLAYING HER HUSBAND DIDN’T SIGN ON FOR THIS SEASON.

CHIEF OF STAFF
There’s a possible ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT against HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B, so it’d be a good idea to give him a heads up.

SECRETARY OF STATE
Nah don’t tell him.

CHIEF OF STAFF
Are you fucking serious? If there’s an attempt on him, and he finds out we knew, and didn’t tell him, we’ll be complicit. Can you imagine what would happen if he dies? Fuck me, the shitstorm we’d be in.

NEW CTU
———–

CHLOE and FEARLESS have a PLOT EXPOSITION CONVERSATION ABOUT WHY SHE’S STILL HERE, DESPITE BEING THE MOST ANNOYING AND WORST ACTRESS EVER. Despite giving him every fucking reason for doing so, he DOESN’T FIRE HER.

UN BUILDING
———–

There’s tension between HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B, his WIFE and his DAUGHTER. Nobody really cares.

BLONDE GIRL is let into UN BUILDING, but is THREATENED by BRO OF HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B, cos he thinks she’s an INFIDEL, or something.

The PRESIDENT DOESN’T TELL HEAD OF DIRTY TERRORIST COUNTRY B that he’s a TARGET, which could probably be construed as an ACT OF WAR, as the US is now COMPLICIT in the ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. Nobody watching can understand why the UN BUILDING hasn’t been LOCKED DOWN yet.

NEW YORK
———–

JACK and GUY A run down a CG STREET. They’re FOUND OUT and ATTACKED by TWO DIRTY TERRORISTS with AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. TWO NYPD OFFICERS DIE. JACK KILLS BOTH TERRORISTS. JACK and GUY A get to the ROOF where a HELICOPTER is waiting. I expect GUY A to get shot by a SNIPER.

The HELICOPTER gets BLOWN UP by a ROCKET.

ME
Close enough.

GUY A gives INCREDIBLY VAGUE INFORMATION about the ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT and DIES.

GUY WHO REMIND ME OF JOE FIENNES
Jack, not meaning to be a dick here, but five people are dead – two dirty terrorists, two cops and this guy who’d information on the terrorist plot. The NYPD is going to want to talk to you for definite. Hopefully you won’t be held for more than 72 hours, but with the two officiers, it’ll be at least be a few hours till they can establish which gun killed who.

JACK
Laws?!?!!? Police?!!? That sounds like terrorist talk, I should torture you to make sure. Dirty terrorist!

January 24th, 2010 in Humour, Misc

Nerd Humour

22:30:20 UTC - Sunday, December 6, 2009 in Humour

Out for a walk with the mother earlier in the week:



“Hahaha, look at that numberplate!”
“Eh? What about it?”
“404!! *giggles* Number plate not found!”
“…that’s a computer joke isn’t it…”
“Yep!! *snaps*”

Should start me a collection.

She made an equivalent joke the other day (it was something about birds, I don’t recall the specifics):

“He said he saw a lesser-spotted yellow Turdidae! *laughs*”
“Ur…wha?”
“Lesser spotted! He meant greater spotted! *more laughter*”
“O…k…”

December 6th, 2009 in Humour

Don’t Stop

23:04:25 UTC - Friday, November 13, 2009 in Humour

Removed my quicklink to page one of Digg’s top stories today, sick of the “FUCK DA PO-LICE”, “FUCK DA PO-LITICIANS”, “FUCK DA LAWS BANNING WEED”, “WOOO JOHN STEWART”, “FUCK FOX NEWS” and so on. Sure I (at least partially) agree with most of the stories, but I don’t want to see videos from ten years ago paraded as “evidence” of police brutality. The morons who comment stories generally repeat the sentiment from the headline, and are then upvoted.

Which is why I’ve moved to reddit, which has a much diverse range of stories (far fewer of the topics above) and a hilarious userbase. It also has topics for answers to a specific question (anything like “What’s your favourite joke” are always a goldmine) and topics where you ask the original poster anything (they’ve always got an interesting profession or experience).

Anyway, the following is an example of the type of humour at Reddit, from the topic titled “Women of reddit, what things do you hate that guys do in bed?“





Brilliant.

November 13th, 2009 in Humour

MW2 – Airport

23:31:13 UTC - Wednesday, November 11, 2009 in Games, Humour

There’s a scene in Modern Warfare 2 that’s pretty controversial, something that hasn’t been done in games before. It’s fairly unpleasant, anyone who’s played it will know (there’s been quite a lot of media coverage of it too). I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn’t played it, but basically if you’re thinking “how bad can it be”, it can be very very fucking bad.

First, Mr Sul:

21:32:56 Sul: Played past the airport level

21:33:02 Sul: Urrrrrrgh

Mr Ayo

22:43:10 Fin: you play regular?! what you think of airport scene?
22:43:27 Ayo: mental

and finally, Mr Dun

23:07:51 Fin: you hear about airport level in mw2 btw?
23:08:04 Dun: ya, can’t wait!!!
23:08:22 Dun: i mean ya sounds fairly bad

If you had to guess which one would turn out to be a serial killer, which one would it be…?

November 11th, 2009 in Games, Humour

Ted Kennedy – Sarah Palin Facebook

10:04:35 UTC - Thursday, August 27, 2009 in Humour, Politics

Ah yes, there’s nothing more fun than a huge big group of stupid people presenting their views in an easy to read format, such as in the comments of Sarah Palin’s Facebook note on Ted Kennedy’s death.
Sarah’s note itself is fine, if a bit AMERICA FUCK YEAH, but then again, everything she says is.
The comments are brilliant though:



Yup, cos as we know, Pelosi and “Ried” are secret FSB agents that are trying to bring down the US government and install communist overlords (though Russia isn’t really communist anymore).



This guy is a bit confused – “You’re the devil!!! But sorry you died.”



Unfortunately, at this point I was no longer sure if people were being serious or just having the laugh.
This was fairly indicative of the level of knowledge in the comments though, of the ~1000 comments I expanded:



Concerning this incident, where at most Kennedy was involved in the manslaughter (by drunk driving) of a woman. Murder? Ah, no.

August 27th, 2009 in Humour, Politics