21:33:45 PDT - Monday, July 23, 2012 in
Film [I’m back!]
1/5
The FILM begins with a PIXELATED UNIVERSAL LOGO and CHIPTUNE UNIVERSAL THEME. This is one of FOUR (count ’em) not-terrible bits in the ENTIRE MOVIE.
ARCADE
—-
MICHAEL SERA is dating a CHINESE GIRL. She’s CUTE, SUPPORTIVE, DECENT LOOKING, NICE, WELL OUTTA HIS LEAGUE.
They play some NINJA DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION THING. Not that DANCE DANCE has NINJAS, it’s actually a NINJA GAME.
MICHAEL and CHINESE GIRL share a MOMENT and NEARLY KISS. MICHAEL’S AWKWARD and WANTS TO PLAY THE GAME INSTEAD.
AUDIENCE
Oh, I didn’t realise this was the film where Michael Cera is awkward, shy and annoying.
SHITHOLE HOUSE
—-
CHINESE GIRL
Wow you’re in a band, this is so great! You guys are awesome! [addressing housemate] What do you play?
DUMBASS HOUSEMATE
Er em I play Zelda…
ME
People like this are why I HATE HATE HATE HATE GAMERS.
LIBRARY
—-
MICHAEL has a FLEETING DREAM about a GIRL. Not one of those ones that leaves you with a warm memory (no euphemism bro), she just ROLLERBLADED PAST HIM. COS THAT’S SO INDIE AND ALTERNATIVE. BULLSHIT.
Anyway, MICHAEL sees DREAM GIRL in LIBRARY (ROLLERBLADING OMG SO GEEKY AND COOL!) while with CHINESE GIRL and subsequently becomes OBSESSED WITH HER in a CREEPY STALKY WAY.
TINY FLAT
—-
MICHAEL orders something from AMAZON so DREAM GIRL will DELIVER IT because SHE WORKS FOR AMAZON. Yeah, this makes no sense to me either. SHE DELIVERS IT. MICHAEL is CREEPY, AWKWARD and ANNOYING. He gets a DATE, despite HAVING A GIRLFRIEND. This makes him A DICK.
MICHAEL and DREAM GIRL go for a WALK IN THE SNOW.
DREAM GIRL’S FLAT
—-
MICHAEL suggests GETTING UNDER A BLANKET TOGETHER to DREAM GIRL, instead of WRAPPING HIMSELF IN IT. This is the SECOND not-terrible bit in the ENTIRE MOVIE. Remember, this is the same MICHAEL that PUSSIED OUT KISSING CHINESE GIRL earlier in the MOVIE. MICHAEL is still DATING HER btw, PRICK.
ROCK CLUB #1
—-
MICHAEL’S BAND is PLAYING. They SUCK. DREAM GIRL and CHINESE GIRL SIT BESIDE EACH OTHER. MICHAEL is still a GRADE-A ASSHOLE.
One of DREAM GIRL’S EX-BOYFRIENDS comes to FIGHT MICHAEL. He’s FLYING N SHIT. They FIGHT. Nobody says WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
[Aside]
Now, I don’t mind a bit of silliness in my films. As long as it makes sense in-universe in the fiction, that’s fine by me. Take JASON STATHAM films – he can dodge bullets, do kung fu, drive cars on two wheels, get the girl, none of the film is “normal”, therefore it’s ok. 24 is on the other end of the scale – so many people are shot by Jack, yet it’s meant to be grounded in reality (with rules, procedures and politics), so I’m not a fan of it. Scott Pilgrim had these ridiculous fight scenes that were completely out of place compared to the rest of the film. They looked great, yes, but the content of the fights were never referenced outside of them – people can fly and fight during fights, can’t out of them.
As a result, they don’t make sense in-universe and are horseshit.
Despite vying for the title of MOST AWKWARD MAN ALIVE, and having NO FIGHT TRAINING (that NINJA DANCE DANCE game doesn’t come close), MICHAEL beats the SHIT out of EX-1, turning him to COINS (MURDERING HIM) in the process. NOBODY QUESTIONS THIS.
MICHAEL MAKES OUT with DREAM on the bus. He’s a BASTARD.
MUSIC SHOP
—-
MICHAEL
Ahh I’m so awkward, I don’t think I can break up with CHINESE GIRL.
He DOES IT ANYWAY.
CHINESE GIRL is DEVASTATED 🙁
DREAM GIRL CHANGES HER HAIR
MICHAEL
Ahh I’m so awkward, I think I have to break up with DREAM GIRL because she CHANGED HER HAIR.
FILM SET
—-
MICHAEL and DREAM GIRL end up on a FILM SET where the THIRD not-terrible bit of the ENTIRE MOVIE takes place, a JASON-STATHAM-like character (EX-2), replete with ridiculous voice and AWESOME lines.
SHIT HAPPENS and JASON-STATHAM-LIKE dies. He was AWESOME.
COFFEE SHOP
—-
Only including this scene because one of the characters swore a lot (fuck, shit), her mouth was censored each time.
BULLSHIT.
ROCK CLUB #2
—-
MICHAEL’S at HIS EX’S (who’s BRIE LARSON, from the far far far far better, 5/5, film 21 Jump Street) CONCERT. He’s SHY and AWKWARD about TALKING TO HIS EX. MAN UP FOR FUCK SAKE.
EX’S NEW BOYFRIEND (SECRETLY EX-3!)
So I dated DREAM GIRL, we’ve to fight.
MICHAEL [turns to DREAM]
I’ll just get this out of the way now – is there going to be a person in every scene in this movie that you’ve dated?
DREAM
…
Yup.
MICHAEL and EX-3 FIGHT. EX-3 has some sort of BULLSHIT SPECIAL POWER BECAUSE HE’S A VEGAN. I REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS FILM.
MICHAEL KILLS HIM by making him DRINK MILK. THREE PEOPLE have DIED BY HIS HAND. The POLICE have YET TO MAKE AN APPEARANCE.
ROCK CLUB #3
—-
ANNE (her?) from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is ANOTHER EX. MICHAEL, despite having KILLED THREE PEOPLE, is “NOT ABLE TO HIT A GIRL”. DREAM FIGHTS HER THROUGH MICHAEL. It’s a bit like that AWESOME bit in CROUCHING TIGER, but NOT AWESOME. JUST SHIT. Then the TWO GIRLS FIGHT. Then MICHAEL KILLS ANNE by MAKING HER ORGASM by TOUCHING HER LEG. Yup.
MICHAEL’s a TOOL (SURPRISE!!), DREAM BREAKS UP WITH HIM. They’ve been together ALL OF TWO MINUTES.
ROCK CLUB #4
—-
MICHAEL and HIS BAND then fights TWO JAPANESE DUDES PLAYING ELECTRO. DREAM really gets around y’know?
This is probably the best part of the film visually. The music combines to create monsters, which then fight. But wait, back to “reality”.
EX-5/6’S STAGE EXPLODES, SENDING BODY PARTS EVERYWHERE, SEVERELY INJURING A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE IN THE CROWD WITH SHRAPNEL.
No, only joking, because this film MAKES SHIT UP AS IT GOES ALONG.
MICHAEL sees DREAM with GIDEON, her LAST EX (EX-7).
MICHAEL
Oh, well they’re together now, and while DREAM doesn’t seem especially happy, I’ll respect her decision.
…
HAHAHHA NOOOOOPE!
ROCK CLUB #5
—-
MICHAEL decides to FIGHT GIDEON FOR DREAM. Even though, y’know, she’s never expressed more than casual affection for him.
There’s a BIG MESSY FIGHT, including a bit where CHINESE GIRL JUMPS IN. MICHAEL ADMITS to CHEATING on BOTH DREAM AND CHINESE.
MICHAEL’s SLAIN by GIDEON.
ME
Yay!
There’s a DREAM SEQUENCE. DREAM TALKS TO MICHAEL.
DREAM
The real reason I was with GIDEON is because-
SCRIPT WRITER
Pass me another hit of that bong yo!
DREAM
-he’s put a chip in my head to control me.
BUT WAIT, he’s got an EXTRA LIFE. Cos FUCK YOU SCRIPTWRITING.
The FIGHT REPEATS. This time MICHAEL CONFESSES TO CHEATING ON BOTH GIRLS, but this time IT’S TOTALLY DIFFERENT. They both LEAVE HIM AS A RESULT.
…
NOPE
The LAST not-terrible bit of THE ENTIRE FILM takes place, where GIDEON has a REALLY COOL PIXELATED SWORD.
MICHAEL KILLS GIDEON. Nobody GIVES A FUCK.
OUTSIDE ROCK CLUB #5
—-
DREAM
I’ve to leave and go somewhere different or something.
MICHAEL
Oh ok.
MICHAEL and CHINESE CHAT. They GET ON WELL TOGETHER. MICHAEL’s a MASS MURDERER mind.
He decides to FOLLOW DREAM INSTEAD.
The FILM ENDS.
ME
FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU
23:21:12 PDT - Thursday, December 31, 2009 in
Film,
Games,
Misc,
Music,
Social Games
Best Multiplayer: Call of Duty 4/Battlefield 1943
Best Story: Fable 2
Best game song: Daft Punk Vs Gary Numan – Technologic Vs Cars (DJ Hero)
Best demo: Battlefield 1943
Best Innovation: Tie – Proper DLC (Gay Tony)/Retail-quality original XBLA (1943, Shadow Complex)
Best game you probably never played: Shadow Complex
Average game I never completed: Mass Effect (we’ll be seeing you again…)
Film
Best film: District 9
Worst film: Observe & Report
Best film you haven’t seen: Trouble the Water
Best film you might have seen as I mentioned it: Death Race
Worst film I paid money to sit through: – (not much free time this year, with the masters)
Most hyped film, that turned out to be pretty decent: District 9
Music
Best album: Tie – The Who – Who’s Next/Pink Floyd – Dark Side of the Moon/Seán Ó Riada – Ó Riada Sa Gaiety
Best new song: David Guetta – If We Ever/DJ Shadow – Organ Donor (Extended Overhaul)
Best old song: Tie – Pink Floyd – Any Colour You Like/Seán Ó Riada – Iníon An Phailitínigh/The Rolling Stones – Gimme Shelter
TV
Best new series: Tie – Modern Family/The Good Wife
Best old series: Lie to Me
Worst new series: Tie – Trauma/V
Best series continuation: Dexter s04
Worst series continuation: Heroes s04 (I’ve stopped watching it)
Best final: Dexter s04
Misc:
Best moment: Jan 20 (whole day really)/Mar 20 (hellz yeah)/Oct 16 (phew!)
Best night out: Jan 16/Jan 20
Best book I never finished: Robert Fisk – The Great War for Civilisation (two years, I’m now halfway through it)
Best mindset change: Keep going, it’s only three months (June-September)
Worst occurrence: Pretty much all of May
Biggest disappoint of 2009: D (holy shit, r u srs?)
December 31st, 2009 in
Film,
Games,
Misc,
Music,
Social
22:51:15 PDT - Wednesday, December 2, 2009 in
Film I’m quite a fan of the core premise of Leap Year (YT) – the idea that a girl can ask a guy to marry her on February 29, simply as I’m a big romantic at heart. The execution, of course, is total shit.
The following is based off the trailer:
TRENDY MANHATTAN DRESS SHOP
———–
IDIOT FRIEND
OMG I JUST SAW YOUR BOYFRIEND COMING OUT OF A JEWELLERY SHOP WITH A BAG!! OMG YOU’RE TOTALLY GETTING MARRIED COS THE ONLY THING YOU CAN BUY IN A JEWELLERY SHOP IS A WEDDING RING!!!!!!! HOW LONG’VE YOU BEEN GOING OUT NOW, SIX MONTHS?!?!*
*I know someone who wanted to drop hints to the boyfriend about engagement rings at this point in the relationship.
AMY ADAMS
OMG R U SRS?!!?!
IDIOT FRIEND
QUICK LET’S PRACTICE HOW YOU’LL REACT WHEN HE ASKS YOU!!!!!
MEN IN AUDIENCE
[thinking] Do all women do this? That’s fucking weird.
TRENDY MANHATTAN RESTAURANT
———–
SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND gives AMY ADAMS a BOX.
AMY ADAMS
WHAT THE FUCK, THIS ISN’T A FUCKING WEDDING RING!?!?
SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND
Ur…yeah…they’re some earrings…do you not like them? They cost a month’s salary like… Anyway, I’m off to Dublin. That’s in eye-er-land.
AMY talks to HER DAD, who is TRINITY KILLER FROM DEXTER (DEXTER is a FUCKING AWESOME SHOW), he suggests going to EYE-ER-LAND to PROPOSE to SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND on February 29th. This isn’t too bad a plot device. AMY flies GAELIC AIR to EYE-ER-LAND.
GAELIC AIR PLANE (during turbulence)
———–
AMY
I’m not going to die without getting engaged!
MEN IN AUDIENCE (shifting in seat uncomfortably beside significant other)
[thinking] Are all women this insecure?
The pilot says they’re landing in CARDIFF, but she ends up in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE IN EYE-ER-LAND.
CARAGH’S “BAR” in THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE
———–
AMY
I need a taxi to Dublin?
RANDOM OIRISH GUY
Holy jesus! A woman under the age of 65! Holy god!
RANDOM OIRISH GUY has a HEART ATTACK and DIES.
SUAVE IRISH BOYFRIEND
You realise asking for a fucking taxi to Dublin from a pub in the middle of nowhere is a bit like me going into a pub in the Nevada desert and asking for a taxi to Los Angeles, yeah? Fuck it, you’re savage, I’ll take ya. Anyway, you’re the first Irish person under 65 I’ve ever met!
AMY and IRISH DRIVE TO DUBLIN in a CAR that DID NOT PASS THE NCT as IT’S 80 YEARS OLD, and therefore is ILLEGALLY ON THE ROAD. They have a conversation in THE FAKEST FAKE CAR YOU’VE EVER SEEN**. They encounter A LOAD OF COWS ON THE ROAD WITH NO FARMER. Cos, y’know, there’s cows all the time on the main road to Dublin from anywhere. Something happens where AMY makes the car go into a river. If IRISH had TAKEN THE CAR to an NCT he would’ve found out the HANDBRAKE DIDN’T WORK, so he had it coming.
IRISH
Holy jesus, that’s the only car in the village gone now! I hope you’re happy. Holy god!
AMY
Hahahaha, I’m soooo like a fish out of water! Omg!
A ROOM in “THE VILLAGE”
———–
AMY attempts to charge her BLACKBERRY, in doing so causes a BLACKOUT in “THE VILLAGE”.
AMY
You fried my Blackberry!
IRISH
Holy jesus, you fried the whole village! We only got electricity here last July y’know. Also, in Ireland we eat blackberries. Holy god!
AMY
Hahahahaha, no it’s like a “cell” phone.
IRISH
Holy jesus, WTF’s a phone, we only got the telegraph machine in after the electricity. Holy god!
AMY
Hahahaha, I’m soooo like a fish out of water! Omg!
They find a B&B from the 1950s.
1950s B&B
———–
1950s WOMAN
Holy jesus, I’ve got a room for ye. Just one room is it? Ye are married aren’t ye? Cos this is a CATHOLIC country, and no two people can be sleeping in one bed if they’re not married, especially homosexuals! You’ll go to HELL! Holy god!
AMY and IRISH later have dinner in the 1950s B&B.
1950s MAN
Holy jesus, give your wife a kiss there, despite my wife having incredibly conservative sexual morals, there’s nothing I like seeing more than a bit of tongue. Go on, lash it into her there. Ignore this empty bottle of whiskey beside me, every Irish man over the age of 65, [addressing IRISH] that’s every man except you, is an alcoholic. Holy god!
A MONTAGE ensues, showing AMY on a BOAT, AMY and IRISH at a WEDDING that she PREDICTABLY RUINS, and AMY and IRISH on a bench as the 133 (Dublin Airport – Arklow) bus goes by. They get to Dublin. IRISH is just about to say something, SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND gets in before him.
SOME NICE BUILDING IN DUBLIN
———–
SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND
Will you marry me?
AMY
Ah, no, cos I mean we’ve been going out for four years [this was actually the length of time, according to the blurb], but I’ve really gotten to know this random guy from EYE-ER-LAND over the last 2-3 days, so I’m obviously going to throw my entire relationship with you.
The MEN in the AUDIENCE SQUIRM.
END
ALTERNATE “REALISTIC” VERSION
[The film is the same up until SUAVE IRISH BOYFRIEND says he’ll drive her to Dublin]
SUAVE IRISH BOYFRIEND
I’ll drive you to Dublin yeah. Sure if you’re just going to see your boyfriend, there’s no point in me hanging round so I’ll drop you to the Luas park and ride, I can be up and back in four hours via the N7. Hold on till I just use my iPhone to tell the lads I won’t be over to re-watch the Wales match. You can wait by my car outside if you want, it’s the 04 Golf. Better make the trip quick as I’ve got a wife and 1.3 kids at home, and I’ve got to go to work with a tech multinational in the morning. Fuck it actually, I’ll just drop you to the bus and you can get that to Dublin.
AMY gets the BUS to DUBLIN. It takes 17 HOURS.
SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND
Will you marry me?
AMY
Course I will, you’re everything to me you are 😉
MEN IN AUDIENCE
[thinking] Phew, hopefully my proposal will go like that!
END 2
ALTERNATE “SUPER REALISTIC” VERSION
TRENDY MANHATTAN DRESS SHOP
———–
IDIOT FRIEND
Hey, I just saw your boyfriend coming out of a jewellery shop! He might’ve got you something!
AMY
Aww, he’s lovely.
TRENDY MANHATTAN RESTAURANT
———–
SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND gives AMY ADAMS a BOX.
AMY
Awww, these earrings are GORGEOUS! I love you!
SUAVE AMERICAN BOYFRIEND
I love you too. Here, I’m off to Ireland for a bit, but you fancy getting engaged when I get back?
AMY
OMG YES!!! *cries with happiness*
The film’s entire running time is about 90 seconds.
END 3
And there you have it. No need to go see it at all.
For all its stereotypes and shit, it’s like The Godfather compared to Letters to Juliet (YT). Sweet. Jesus.
**Car so fake it makes 24’s cars look real:
December 2nd, 2009 in
Film
12:34:25 PDT - Sunday, September 6, 2009 in
Film,
Technology Gonna rewatch Transporter 2 next week (last time I saw it, I was expecting “plot”, “acting” and “characterisation”, but this time I’ll just be expecting AWESOME), was flicking through it today, and saw this scene:
Which is when some good guy is looking for information on some bad guy.
Apparently all you’ve to do to get information on a bad guy is logon as Guest to a US Marshal’s computer and do “ls Applications/”, sorted!
Respect to them for at least trying to make the applications seem to be law enforcement related though.
September 6th, 2009 in
Film,
Technology
