01:11:17 PDT - Sunday, August 16, 2009 in
Film Film: 4/5 (surprisingly, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit)
Awesomeness: 4/5 (more JASON == MORE AWESOME)
CARS RACING
———–
The film starts with A GUY IN A MASK with a HOTTIE in the passenger seat racing against ONE OF THE GUYS FROM FOUR BROTHERS. The cars can SHOOT and stuff.
BROTHER GUY
I got you now mother fucker!
HOTTIE EJECTS and THE BROTHER GUY BLOWS UP MASKY. MASKY’S car CROSSES the FINISH LINE in FIRST anyway.
STEEL MILL
———–
JASON’S just finished work, and is now UNEMPLOYED, along with the REST OF THE STEEL MILL. The WORKERS are DISGRUNTLED. A SWAT TEAM shows up for NO REAL REASON. JASON BEATS THE SHIT out of THE SWAT TEAM, again for NO REAL REASON. He then GOES HOME.
JASON’S HOME
———–
JASON’S WIFE is actually QUITE A CATCH. She’s SMART, NICE and PRETTY.
JASON
Lost me job. No money. BEAT THE SHIT out of some SWAT guys.
WIFE
I think you’re forgetting I married you for your non-financial assets.
AUDIENCE
Boo yeah!
JASON
Like…my MASSIVE KNOB?
WIFE
Ya
Before they can HAVE SEX, their BABY DAUGHTER STARTS CRYING OR SOMETHING. JASON GOES to HAVE A SHOWER. JASON’S WIFE is MURDERED and HE’S FRAMED. The AUDIENCE feel GENUINE SYMPATHY, unusual for a film like this.
AUDIENCE
Awww, she was lovely.
JASON gets PUT IN JAIL.
AUDIENCE
Can see where this is going, seeing as the film’s called “Death Race”
PRISON ISLAND
———–
JASON BEATS THE SHIT out of HIS CELLMATES. A GUARD comes to INVESTIGATE.
JASON
They slipped.
AUDIENCE
OH NO THEY DIDN’T YOU BADASS!!
JASON goes for LUNCH. He then BEATS THE SHIT out of some NEO-NAZIS. IAN MCSHANE, who I haven’t seen in anything else, but was in NBC’s Kings, is WATCHING.
IAN
I guess he didn’t like the oatmeal either.
There’s some PLOT EXPOSITION between JASON and PAMELA LANDY from THE BOURNE FILMS.
PAMELA
Basically, you’ve to enter into a race where everyone can kill each other cos the previous best guy is dead but we need him for ratings but he wore a mask so nobody’ll know it’s you and if you win you’ll get your freedom.
JASON
No.
(pause)
Okay.
RACE STAGE 1
———–
It’s RACE DAY. There’s a pretty funny VOICE OVER SATIRE of REALITY TELEVISION. JASON gets READY. He’s joined by HOTTIE as a NAVIGATOR. It’s not a great PLOT POINT, but the WRITERS are FORGIVEN.
HOTTIE
Better looking than the last Frank.
AUDIENCE
Aww, she’s lovely too!
The FIRST STAGE of DEATH RACE takes place. The RACE itself isn’t TERRIBLY INTERESTING, but SHIT BLOWS UP A LOT, which is cool. JASON wants to USE NAPLAM on another RACER.
JASON
(to HOTTIE)
Get in my lap.
One of several LAUGH OUT LOUD moments occurs with a SHOT OF THE PIT CREW EXCHANGING GLANCES.
HOTTIE GETS ON JASON’S LAP.
HOTTIE
Is that a gun in your pocket?
JASON
No.
(pause)
That’d be my erection.
An AWESOME bit occurs involving NAPLAM, an EJECTOR SEAT and AN EXPLOSION.
JASON recognises THE GUY THAT KILLED HIS WIFE.
RACE STAGE 2
———–
Same stuff as RACE 1. Still not TERRIBLY INTERESTING. JASON chooses OFFENSIVE over DEFENSIVE WEAPONS at one stage, despite being in THE LEAD.
HOTTIE
Take defence!
JASON
No
(pause)
There’s someone I need to kill
AUDIENCE
OHHHHHHH SHIT!!!
JASON KILLS the GUY WHO KILLED HIS WIFE.
RACE STAGE 3
———–
Turns out PAMELA had JASON’S WIFE KILLED. She wants to KILL JASON before he WINS THE LAST RACE and puts a BOMB on his CAR.
JASON
Looks like the odds are stacked against us.
HOTTIE
Do what you do best.
(pause)
Drive.
AUDIENCE
YOU TELL HIM GIRL!!!
During the RACE, JASON, HOTTIE and BROTHERS GUY manage to ESCAPE THE PRISON in their CARS. HOTTIE pretends to be MASKY and JASON and BROTHERS GUY ESCAPE.
IAN sends THE BOMB PAMELA put on JASON’S CAR BACK TO HER. SHIT BLOWS UP.
IAN (looking at camera)
I love this game
MEXICO (six months later)
———–
JASON and BROTHERS are working on CARS in MEXICO. HOTTIE ARRIVES. She’s REALLY HOT.
AUDIENCE
DAMN!!
JASON’S got HIS DAUGHTER BACK.
AUDIENCE
Awww
THE FILM ENDS
AUDIENCE
That wasn’t bad at all!
———–
One major problem? The BEST MOVIE LINE EVER was in the trailer but not in the actual film:
PAMELA
The rules are simple…THERE ARE NO RULES
AUDIENCE
THAT’S A FUCKING AWESOME LINE!!
August 16th, 2009 in
Film
00:03:52 PDT - Saturday, August 15, 2009 in
Film Story, acting etc: 1/5
Awesomeness: 1/5
{{spoilers}}
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC
———–
VIN, ANA-LUCIA from LOST and DISPOSABLE CHARACTERS are chasing a LANDTRAIN. It could’ve been AWESOME but is PRETTY BORING.
SHIT HAPPENS, ANA-LUCIA gets STUCK ON THE LANDTRAIN. The MORON driving it FORGETS THAT IT HAS BRAKES and JUMPS OUT OF THE DOOR. ANA-LUCIA is STUCK despite THE DRIVER JUST JUMPING OFF IT. SHE JUMPS onto VIN’S BONNET. VIN also FORGETS WHAT A BRAKE IS and CONTINUES DRIVING IN REVERSE. I CAN’T REMEMBER WHY HE WAS GOING BACKWARDS. SHIT BLOWS UP and VIN and ANA-LUCIA DRIVE UNDER an EXPLODING TRAILER. It’s not nearly as AWESOME as it sounds.
SOME BEACH
———–
Boring PLOT EXPOSITION.
ANA-LUCIA
I know I’m still a terribly actress, we have to stick together and stuff
VIN
Yes
ANA-LUCIA
I know the cops are after you, but we’ll fight them off like we always have!
VIN
Yes
LOS ANGELES – ROOFTOPS
———–
PAUL WALKER CHASES a SCUMBAG ACROSS ROOFTOPS and stuff. It’s cool enough, but a bit silly. The SCUMBAG fires INDISCRIMINATELY into a CROWD OF CIVILIANS at one point.
PAUL
GIMME A NAME!!!
SCUMBAG
Eh? You just grabbed me and we fell off a building. A) How are we both still conscious enough to have a logical conversation and B) where’s me gun?
PAUL
NAME!!!
SCUMBAG
Oh, yeah, Something Park.
LOS ANGELES – FBI
———–
PAUL, GENERIC ASSHOLE, GENERIC BOSS and GENERIC FEDS are in a meeting.
GENERIC ASSHOLE
Asshole comment. Hurhurhurhurhur
PAUL
We find Park and we bust the bad guys.
GENERIC BOSS
Well FUCK ME is it THAT FUCKING EASY. WHY AREN’T YOU THE FUCKING FBI DIRECTOR?
LOS ANGELES – FBI (later)
———–
MAGGIE LIZER from ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT is VIN’S SISTER and is TAKEN INTO FBI CUSTODY. PAUL FAKES a call to get MAGGIE ON HER OWN. He TAKES HER OUT FOR DINNER. They have a HISTORY.
GENERIC BOSS
Ur, did you just fake a phonecall to get an agent away from an interrogation, then release a suspect?
PAUL
Ya
GENERIC BOSS
Badge. Gun. Now.
LOS ANGELES – PARK’S APARTMENT
———–
VIN and PAUL converge simultaneously on PARK’S APARTMENT. ANA-LUCIA is DEAD and VIN WANTS TO KNOW WHO KILLED HER. PARK is PLAYING GEARS OF WAR. He has time to PAUSE before VIN INTERROGATES HIM.
VIN
Yes
PARK
I don’t got a name for you, I can just get you in the race
VIN
Yes
VIN FUCKS HIM OUT A WINDOW BUT KEEPS A HOLD ON HIM. PAUL BURSTS IN.
PAUL
Bring him up VIN!
VIN
Yes
VIN LETS THE GUY GO, BUT PAUL CATCHES HIM. Definitely attempted murder.
LOS ANGELES – FBI
———–
GENERIC ASSHOLE
Asshole comment. Hurhurhurhurhur
PAUL hits GENERIC ASSHOLE a few times, causing him to bleed.
GENERIC BOSS
Ur, did you just assault another agent?
PAUL
Ya
GENERIC BOSS
Badge. Gun. Now.
LOS ANGELES – FBI (later)
———–
At this point I properly gave up on the plot.
PAUL has to CHOOSE A CAR to RACE in SOME RACE to GET CLOSE TO THE BOSS so he can ARREST HIM. VIN wants to KILL HIM. It’s PAPER-THIN PLOTTING.
PAUL’S ASSISTANT
Pick a car from the lockup
PAUL out two R34 Skylines and a GT-R. They’re pretty sweet.
PAUL
I want them all.
PAUL’S ASSISTANT
Are you an idiot? I just said pick one. How’re you going to use three? These things aren’t free you know.
LOS ANGELES – UNDERGROUND STREET RACE
———–
PAUL and VIN go to the RACE. They talk to THE SECOND IN COMMAND.
PAUL
Don’t you people do fucking background checks? I’m an FBI agent and that guy wants to kill your boss.
VIN
Yes
The RACE begins. It’s pretty cool in places, especially with quick cuts of gear changes, but everyone seems to think the fastest way round a corners is drifting/sideways. It’s not. After FIVE MILES, PAUL and VIN are NECK-AND-NECK, defying logic that would see one of them pull away after than distance. PAUL shows NO CONCERN for CIVILIANS, despite being AN FBI AGENT. VIN WINS.
LOS ANGELES – RACER’S APARTMENT
———–
PAUL PLANTS METH on another RACER to GET HIS PLACE in THE BOSS’ LINEUP.
GENERIC BOSS
Ur, did you just plant evidence on a suspect?
PAUL
Ya
GENERIC BOSS
Badge. Gun. Now.
LOS ANGELES – WAREHOUSE
———–
PAUL gets THE CALL and drives his SWEET SKYLINE to some WAREHOUSE.
GENERIC BOSS
That’s your third traffic violation in three blocks. Slow it down.
PAUL
Yes dad.
GENERIC BOSS
Ur, did you just ignore a direct order and make a snide comment?
PAUL
Ya
GENERIC BOSS
Badge. Gun. Now.
PAUL nearly gets FOUND OUT because of A TRACKER in his SWEET SKYLINE. Don’t tracking devices have some sort of switch so you can turn them off if people are searching for them?
US-MEXICO BORDER
———–
A RIDICULOUS PLOT POINT occurs, involving five cars driving with ~$10 million of heroin in their boots across the Mexican border, through some MINESHAFT thing. Each of the cars seems to be going about 60mph through the shaft, about a foot behind the car ahead. One wrong move and everyone would die. It’s stupid and NOT AWESOME. Why would you bother using cars when two vans would carry ten or twenty times the amount of heroin?
I’ve just realised they were driving from the US side to the Mexico side, with the heroin. Who the fuck smuggles heroin OUT of the states?
VIN and PAUL are ABOUT TO GET DOUBLE CROSSED. BIG SURPRISE. VIN BLOWS SHIT UP. PAUL starts SHOOTING AT EVERYONE for NO REASON.
They GET AWAY in a HUMVEE with $60 million worth of HEROIN. Instead of GIVING IT TO THE FBI, they HIDE IT. Technically, they could probably be charged with POSSESSION. VIN STEALS a CAR FOR PAUL.
LOS ANGELES – DESERTED WAREHOUSE
———–
VIN has a FUCKING GENIUS IDEA to TRADE THE DRUGS for a MEETING with THE BOSS. There’s NO WAY it can GO WRONG. THE SECOND IN COMMAND doesn’t seem to see the problem with BRINGING ABOUT TWENTY GUYS WITH AUTOMATIC WEAPONS and THE BOSS to a DESERTED WAREHOUSE.
GENERIC ASSHOLE RUINS THE OP. Turns out the SECOND IN COMMAND was THE REAL BOSS.
IT’S REALLY BORING. PAUL and VIN TEAM UP to get THE REAL BOSS. They go to MEXICO to get him.
MAGGIE
Isn’t that car stolen PAUL? Surely you’d never get from LA to Mexico in a stolen car, the border and stuff.
MEXICO
———–
VIN and PAUL grab THE REAL BOSS. They have a BORING CHASE through some of MEXICO and that MINESHAFT. It’s BORING. Once they get out of the MINESHAFT, VIN does some cool ONE-HANDED SHOTGUNNING, which is probably the MOST AWESOME part of the movie. It doesn’t last long though. VIN KILLS the GUY WHO KILLED ANA-LUCIA.
VIN gets sentenced to 25-TO-LIFE. We don’t find out what happened to THE REAL BOSS.
The FILM ENDS.
AUDIENCE
Thank christ.
{{end-spoilers}}
August 15th, 2009 in
Film
23:02:44 PDT - Tuesday, July 28, 2009 in
Film,
Misc What’s worse than quoting a crap website in your trailer?
Quoting an anonymous (oh wait, maybe he’s Grey Byrk, because of this comment) user review from IMDB in your trailer.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER USE ANONYMOUS REVIEWS FOR QUOTES.
Not like this hasn’t happened before though.
July 28th, 2009 in
Film,
Misc
23:01:52 PDT - Tuesday, July 21, 2009 in
Film,
Misc I’m not really 100% sure about censorship. Generally, I don’t think things should be censored, it should be up to people to decide whether to watch (or play!) it themselves (though things like an actual murder, etc, should always be censored).
So it was with interest I read an article (from the bastion of print journalism, the Daily Mail) about a lovely new film called Antichrist.
The article starts off ok, the author (Christopher Hart) stating he’s a “broad-minded arts critic” (so I assume he’s seen Baise Moi and 9 Songs – I haven’t seen either, no interest), but he’d never go to see Antichrist. It gives a description of the first few scenes, not my cup of tea, but I’m not bothered.
It then continues, about the BBFC:
“Now the anonymous moral guardians of the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC), in their infinite wisdom, have passed this foul film for general consumption.”
Woah, careful now, “anonymous moral guardians” is straying towards hyperbole, “infinite wisdom” is sarcastic, and an 18 cert isn’t “for general consumption”.
The article descended into farce three paragraphs later, where I stopped reading:
“It doesn’t shock or surprise me in the slightest that Europe now produces such pieces of sick, pretentious trash, fully confirming our jihadist enemies’ view of us as a society in the last stages of corruption and decay.”
Note use of “Europe” as pejorative, inclusive “our” enemies, hyperbole of “jihadist” and “corruption and decay”. Complete crap really, if there’s a reason for the culture clash between East and West, it’s not because of films like Antichrist, it’s because of stories like this, from the front page of the same website.
THIS IS WHY THEY HATE US.
In a related incident, I accidently watched some Big Brother earlier tonight, I could feel my brain cells dying in their thousands.
As regards Antichrist itself, apparently there’s a scene where the girl “hits [the guy’s] testicles with a wooden plank so hard that it is implied they are crushed, then while he is unconscious, she masturbates him until he ejaculates blood”.
So yeah, won’t be going to see that one.
July 21st, 2009 in
Film,
Misc
13:45:23 PDT - Thursday, June 11, 2009 in
Film I’m a fan of Clive, but the script was really dodgy.
2/5
BERLIN
———–
Two guys are having a TOP SECRET CONVERSATION in an AUDI. There’s something about A BANK BUYING MISSILES. The scene is ARTFULLY SHOT and BODES WELL FOR FUTURE.
One of the guys is POISONED and DIES.
BERLIN MORGUE
———–
CLIVE
Show me the body of my friend.
CORONER
Wtf? No, why would I do that, I’d be risking my job, there’s no way I’m going to help you.
CLIVE GLARES at CORONER
CORONER
Ok, I’ll show you.
BERLIN MORGUE
———–
CLIVE and NAOMI, who has FLOWN FROM NEW YORK, are talking to GERMAN POLICE. We learn CLIVE is INTERPOL, giving him practically no actually law enforcement authority, INTERPOL’s basically a big bureaucracy. NAOMI’s an ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY from NEW YORK. Again, NO JURISDICTION or AUTHORITY.
CLIVE
I’m pretty sure this scene is just for plot exposition.
NAOMI
You’re right. Blah blah blah blah banks blah blah corrupt blah blah blah blah bring down the bank for being corrupt blah blah blah.
GERMAN POLICE
You make a convincing argument.
BANK HEADQUARTERS
———–
CLIVE
Seeing as I might be able to catch the head of this bank thing in a lie, my best option is probably to schedule a meeting with the bank, walk in, talk to the head, and confront him about the lie. This is foolproof!
CLIVE meets with a LAWYER THAT WAS IN THE OFFICE instead.
LAWYER THAT WAS IN THE OFFICE
Oh yeah, that was actually just a mistake, he didn’t lie at all it.
CLIVE
MY ENTIRE PLAN IS RUINED!
MILAN
———–
NAOMI and CLIVE meet with AN ITALIAN POLITICIAN who SOLD THE MISSILES TO THE BANK. He is UNUSUALLY CANDID.
CLIVE
Time for more plot exposition!
ITALIAN POLITICAN
Blah blah blah blah missiles blah blah blah blah debt blah blah blah money.
NAOMI
Fascinating…
ITALIAN POLITICIAN is SHOT by a SNIPER.
AUDIENCE
THAT WAS SO SURPRISING.
CLIVE chases after SNIPER, WALKING THROUGH MILAN TRAFFIC WITH A PISTOL IN HIS HAND. Nobody STOPS or BEEPS or SCREAMS, even when he AIMS AT SNIPER’S CAR. ITALIANS are THE MOST LAID BACK PEOPLE EVER. SNIPER GETS AWAY.
LATER, NAOMI and CLIVE GO TO THE CRIME SCENE. There are about A MILLION POLICE PROTECTING THE CRIME SCENE, even though NOBODY IS WORKING ON IT. NAOMI AND CLIVE WANDER IN AND CONDUCT THEIR OWN INVESTIGATION, FINDING OUT STUFF the ITALIAN POLICE MISSED.
NEW YORK
———–
In one of the FILM’s BETTER PARTS, CLIVE, GERRY FROM RESCUE ME and ANOTHER GUY track the SNIPER to NEW YORK. They end up in THE GUGGENHEIM. SNIPER MEETS WITH THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE ISRAELI PRESIDENT IN THE WEST WING.
GUY WHO PLAYED THE ISRAELI PRESIDENT IN THE WEST WING
Kill CLIVE.
SNIPER
Will do!
CLIVE and GERRY FROM RESCUE ME CORNER SNIPER. Out of FUCKING NOWHERE, ASSASSINS APPEAR (to kill SNIPER). They all have some UZI DERIVATIVES. Everyone FIRES INDISCRIMINATELY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING GUGGENHEIM. Everyone is also wondering what SWAT’S REACTION TIME to “Shots fired, automatic weapons” is.
They have a FUCKING MASSIVE FIREFIGHT in the GUGGENHEIM. Seriously, FUCKING MASSIVE. There are AT LEAST EIGHT, maybe TWELVE, PEOPLE SHOOTING, nearly all with AUTOMATIC WEAPONS. GERRY FROM RESCUE ME, SNIPER, a FEW ASSASSINS, and presumably A LOAD OF CIVILIANS, DIE.
NYPD’s RESPONSE TIME to THE BIGGEST FIREFIGHT IN A PUBLIC BUILDING IN US HISTORY, right in the CENTRE OF MANHATTAN, is SIX MINUTES.
CLIVE NEGOTIATES WITH the GUY WHO PLAYED THE ISRAELI PRESIDENT IN THE WEST WING. CLIVE DECIDES to TAKE ON THE BANK BY HIMSELF.
TURKEY
———–
CLIVE and the GUY WHO PLAYED THE ISRAELI PRESIDENT IN THE WEST WING go to TURKEY. CLIVE wants to FUCK THE BANK by SHOWING THEIR CUSTOMERS (Syria etc) that Israel already has COUNTER MEASURES to the MISSILES THE BANK IS SELLING. It’s a decent idea.
The PLAN FAILS, GUY WHO PLAYED THE ISRAELI PRESIDENT IN THE WEST WING is KILLED by SOMEONE. CLIVE CHASES the HEAD OF THE BANK over SCENIC ROOFTOPS.
CLIVE SHOOTS the HEAD OF THE BANK.
AUDIENCE
Boooorring
The WEATHER/TIME CHANGES from OVERCAST AFTERNOON to CLEAR SUNSET.
FILM ENDS.